So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
