when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
