if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
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