there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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