Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
