I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
