hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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