After last night, I could never be a politician.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
