halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
