I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
