Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He shit in the fireplace
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