What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
