Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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