Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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