He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
