he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I need to calm my uterus...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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