you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize