who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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