you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
