Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
