glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Can I color on your dick again?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
