I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
