Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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