The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
