nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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