The maid of honor just puked.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
