his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
