My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
