I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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