Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
