be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
