you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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