There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
