is your mom at the bar?
420 ftw
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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