Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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