So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
