then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
