you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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