Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Randomize
