I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
