So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
