ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
