So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
