Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
