My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
