i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
