I faked an abortion last night.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
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