Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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