there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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