There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
false alarm, still single
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