Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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