I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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