You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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