dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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