yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
The beer is more important than you right now.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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