Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
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