No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I don't deserve a penis
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
