Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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