I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
