If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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